The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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