I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
