Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i would punch a child for taco bell
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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