I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
