he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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