I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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