It's like God shit irony all over that family
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
