and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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