The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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