dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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