New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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