omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
