fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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