if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
