how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
