my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
