tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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