My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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