am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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