I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
