Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
I did not marry a roomba.
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