I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
