i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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