I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Buhtt sex?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
