I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize
