i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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