you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize
