woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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