I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
