I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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