i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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