just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
