I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
