sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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