My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
