I wish I could punch you in the face.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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