I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
He better not be in your backpack
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
