I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
