True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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