the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
