I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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