Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
