I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
