where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
