every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
