i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
