I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
When we talk. Remind me of these topics, photoshop, my bday, threesomes, and cherekee indians. I swear these are real topics...
New topics to add when we talk, sweden, boxing, and the band journey
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
