either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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