Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
i just had sex bonerless
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
