Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
