I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
