chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
