It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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