3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize