Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
