At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
