i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
