Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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