yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
