So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
When are your genitals available?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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