A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Pappa wants mamma naked
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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