is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
