I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
