i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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